The only words that I can describe about today is 'busy', 'busy' and 'busy'! I do not know why I was feeling tired for the entire day. Probably due to yesterday's exercising at the swimming pool that makes me want to sleep more. On the other hand, maybe the work that I've been going through would drain my energy quickly. Weird Monday... Monday blues but still I need to go for work. =.=''

Well, talking about yesterday's training, I felt that my butterfly stroke had improved by... a bit?! Doing a few repetitions on some back extension exercises, I attend,ed for my swim training after wards and guess what, I'm able to do my butterfly stroke well, excuting at a considerable right technique and fast speed. Cool! Then, swimming my freestyle was superb. It was my first time to swim such a fast speed with 100m at 1 minute 30 seconds. I've improved, yet when it comes to towing, I went slow. 3 minutes... Haix.. more practice needed.

Office work in SSA today was very bored and I kept yawning. There was alot of paperwork to do but still managable. Thinking that the gym would be a good place for me to slack later about 5pm, it end up to be a wrong perception instead. There were many users this time round, probably due to the start of the semester and more students would like to try out the newly renovated gym when the lesson starts.

This was my first time ever, seeing the gym packed and guessed what, the gym had to be closed temporary for in-coming users as it is full. Having a full attendance of 50 members could be a huge torture for me. Firstly, all the TEP students (my juniors) were leaving at 5.30pm as their shift had ended. Next, approximately 6 people would be at the counter in every few minutes, some signing in while others going off. It was messy and doing everything sngle-handedly, I was trying to find some time to do my own stuff, only till 8 plus when I get to relax.

Well, at least I get a rough gauge of what's gonna happen for the up-coming weeks, or should I rephrased as the period when school reopens, knowing how the gym looks like and needed to be run by me. Anyway, I guess I will be continue to work in Nanyang Polytechnic gym everyday once I finished my bond with SSA. This is the only job that is much flexible for me, as well as keeping myself near to school to continue my social activities, such as meeting people and attending other social functions.

No life? Maybe but I guess, I may need to restrict myself from too extreme sports in the future from now on. I'm learning to take up individual sports rather than team sports, which builds up one's challenge to themselves rather than competiting with others. Mental challenge might be the medicine for me to improve and mature more in the future, like fighting for my survival during the Army? (Hope it isnt that tough but its alright, I can take it.)

Currently, my legs are hurting. Its around the kneecap area but yet, its not the kneecap but something below it, considered the joints to be aching. Extreme exersion could be the cause of the pain but I guess less walking and running could do the job in recovering them. However, my ankle was hurting too in the morning when climbing down the stairs. It hurts, as if it is dislocating soon, breaking off at any certain point if I make one more huge impact on it.

Hurts... but not as hurt as the wound inside my ribs. Pain... Is this the way to experience pain? Physically and mentally? Who's gonna be the cure for all the pain? Doctors? Yeah, physically and spiritually but mentally and of cause, emotionally. Pain... The lesson of true pain...

Writing so much about the relationship sometimes make Auntie Emily feel sick. A friend told me last night that after reading the many past entries that I had published in my blog, it seemed that I was going against her, finding fault with her, portraying her in a bad light. Did I? I did not feel it that way in the beginning.

After a good chat with my friend (a good one), I realised that there are many things that I failed to consider when Auntie Emily makes up her mind, stating her decision to me. Reflecting what had happened since the beginning to the end of our relationship, it were the mistakes that I always made that resulted to her anger, to her decision. It seemed that I have alot of mistakes in myself and I have failed to amend them.

What I have posted online were all the facts that I believed that she failed to do all those stuff that I hope to get from her. However, thinking back, I guess, I failed to do alot of things that she wanted from me, resulting to this outcome of today. That is why people say that for every incident that had happened, do not blame others but yourself. Guess I finally understand what it means. I was wrong for jumping conclusions after all.

Being naggy does not mean loving someone. I used to be naggy, and will always be naggy. However, I need to put myself in the line to understand what is she feeling. I failed to do that. Now, should I continue to chase after her, in hope she will get back to me and start everything anew, or stay single? Decisions are plenty to make but I guess, I still cant give up on her.

I have deleted all the stuff that I wanted to say it out to her, asking her to reflect herself for her past actions. However, after last night, it should be me being selfish, irritating and stubborn, to be the one who should be reflecting of my past actions. I pissed her off but I dont achieve anything from that. I just want her to reconsider her decision again. I guess, its hard until she's cooled down.

All I want was a face to face conversation, instead of phone calls, MSN or SMS chats. Face to face will be a better way to solve every problem, being straight to the point. You mentioned that I was always busy, late and dont have time for you. However, thinking back, its always the bad timing for me, where all the promises I've made were during the busy periods of my semester.

I have alot of things to confess right now. About work, my thoughts, feelings and the things I do. However, I just couldnt put everything in order and say it out to you. I hope you would understand how I feel and give each other another chance to make changes, whether they are big or small. I have tons to change but I guess, you will only changed when I can completely do it.

I just asked for a few simple things from you currently. Chat with me during MSN... Meeting up face to face to talk things over and lastly, to give me 2 hours of your time to spend my birthday with me. I dont ask for anything much. If you are willing to be back, I'll be glad for that decision but if not, I cant do anything either.

Haix... I'm sorry for what I have done. Other than sorry, I can only say its all my fault and I dont ask for forgiveness anymore. I've made empty promises all the time. Changes, I guess its time for me to do that from today onwards but leading my life in the right or wrong way, I dont know.

I'm sorry... To my dearest...

Just a brief update of what are the major happenings since last week...

Sat (18 April)
Soccer in the morning was tiring enough! The heat was so strong that I managed to sprint for 5 minutes and all my energy died straight away. It seems that my body could not absorb too much solar energy. Overcharging of my 'solar' batteries are able to kill me instantly, with the amount of output I had to make during the exercise. However, I'm glad that I could kick some ball that day. I've hardly played soccer since I worked in Bodywatch gym, or should I say, I will not be able to play soccer again soon, from now onwards... Sad...

I went to the temple at Sim Ming Avenue to help Mum for the preparations of a celebration. As I was put in-charge of guarding the donation booth, a few old ladies during that late evening keep calling me 'Xiu Je' (Miss). It irritated me especially when they really cant identify whether I'm a guy or gal. By determine the length of my hair will result to my gender, then I guess I'll have a gender crisis till today. Haha...

Well, on the funny side, I was dressed smartly during the occasion, with jeans and t-shirt, yet I was assigned with another task for the day: Walking around each table, selling roast pork. =.=" Great! What a surprise I had that day but at least, my Uncle, Sister and me sold about 80 packets of roast pork. Maybe we can do sales together the next time round if there's an opportunity.

Sunday (19 April)
Working in Yishun Swimming Complex was pretty bad. The weather was extremly hot and I was dying for water. Just imagine I finishe 1/3 of my 1 litre water bottle within an hour?! That's how hot the weather is. Dying for some wind to blow towards us, I think we just hope to jump into the water to chill our body from the extreme heat. Too bad, I did not manage to train for swimming that night. How I wish I could train hard, especially my Butterfly stroke since that is my weakest among all those I knew.

Monday (20 April)
I reported to SSA (Singapore Swimming Association) once again to work for a month under the High Performance department. Its nice working with Uncle Peng Siong and Aloysious. Nothing was needed to for the week but at least I do enjoy the working environment. Its more like a home rather than an office. =]

Wednesday (22 April)
Something bad happened that night, with a strong gust of wind blew Singapore, causing alot of trouble that period of time. My house's kitchen door slammed hard and the knob was spoilt. No one could enter the kitchen and what's worst was I could not take my shower. ZZZzz.... Dad spent some time to fix the problem but to no vail. As for me, I cant do anything either but to go to my Uncle's house to shower, whom stayed 2 storeys below me.

Thursday (23 April)
The door was repaired but the damage was done. The door now looked like a dusty and 2nd door, which seemed to be collected from the void deck. No knob and lock. At least I still can enter the kitchen to get a drink at night or take my shower. If not, the trouble will continue. Yet, with all the repaired done by my Uncle, Dad was still upset. He hate the way my Uncle did it and seriously, I dont understand what's the feud between the two of them for the past many years. As the middle man, I just keep my mouth shut and nod my head, knowing who's being nice and who's not.

Saturday (25 April)
Attended the AYG Diving orientation, organised by Damien and Eric for the volunteers to learn more about diving. Ping Ding and I went to take up the course and we had plenty to learn from. Amazingly, Ping Ding seemed to be interested with the orientation, partly doing voluntary work.

As for me, I got a surprise, or an expected sign, to be posted as the Assistant Head for the AYG Diving event. This means that I might get a chance to visit the Diving Meet in Malaysia, probably during May or June. Sounds good but I dont know will it be a good idea if it falls on May, since I may have a soccer competition to attend for, if I have a team formed.

Sunday (26 April)
Currently, I'm working in Nanyang Polytechnic's Staff Gym for the very first time. It is very hard to mingle with people but I tried. Later there's training for swimming but I dont know if I have the mood to do it or not.

I'm having so many problems in an instant and its hard to deal with it. Currently, my kneecap is hurting... and the following weeks of work commitments... I guess I need to reshedule myself for the working hours.

Oh yeah... I'm entering my National Service on 7th October. I dont know should it be considered as fast or slow but one thing is for sure, its gonna be a long 21 months of service. I'm going to Tekong for my BMT so I hope everything is fine. All I hope is that, whatever unfulfilled stuff can be done within these few months before my entry to Army. Whatever stuff that are unsettled should be done as soon as possible.

Many things that I'm thinking now, I have alot of objections and some, I could not let go. For some, I'm still worried about and I guess, its either I need to learn to face it or else, solve it. Life sucks at the moment but I can still make it, I guess.

I had my first try in the Basic Theory Test (BTT) at the Bukit Batok Driving Centre earlier this morning and the results was not a good one. After completing a series of questions, the result has shown a “FAIL” word on my computer screen, means that I have hit more than 5 mistakes in the test.

Poor me, unlike my Uncle who had cleared the test, I had to seat for another test next month. This time round, I will be smart enough to take the trial test first days before I head for the final examination for the BTT again.

I had registered with my Uncle about a month and half ago as I guess it is the right time for me to concentrate in obtaining my driving licience at this age. Pursuing a Class 3 license, which is driving a car (manual), I feel that everything will be achieved very smoothly but seemed that the theory is a trouble for me after taking up the test. Driving will also be a difficult task as I had done the 'practical' before while I was in Bintan. (Driving a buggy at the golf course) Its not something that is easy enough for me for now.

Earlier in the morning, I had this weird feeling while waiting for the test to start. It is not like an overwhelm scream of anxiety but sometimes, your body will feel something roaming in you, and you hate this feeling and hope to get rid of it straight away. While doing the questions of the test, some are easy but a few are tricky. To me, it was very difficult for me to pass since every answer seems logical to me, whether the driver will do such actions or not when such scenarios occur. Gosh… I need more practice.

The next test will be on 27th May whereas the trial test would be on 25th May, the day of my graduation date. Yes! I had planned to finish the trial test before I head back to school to attend my graduation ceremony. Considered as my official date of graduating from my course, hope I could get to see all my classmates again before we part ways to pursue our own interests. More updates soon once I finish my past reflections and posts that I had missed out for the past months.

That’s all for now….

Not going to crap too much on what I hope to post for today but I found this interesting clip that was stated on the papers a few days ago. Untitled as 'Funeral', it is one of the latest production from MCYS, showing the importance of family.

Here is the link of the clip - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nw0s4C0g5SM

To view the video, clip 'play' below and see this touching commercial.

As what the video has mentioned, a person's little imperfections in life are the ones that make a relationship perfect and will always be remembered. This is where appreciation comes to play when everyone around us are still alive.

While for me, I faced many imperfections from people of all walks of life. However sometimes, some little things are not given a chance to me to show how much I care. Imperfections... Life is imperfect anyway and I believe in fate for such things to happen.

That's all for this post.

Only approximately 3 hours of sleep and soon it was time for me to head down back Canberra Secondary and watch my fellow juniors from Band to take their final test of hard work in the Singapore Youth Festival 2009 (SYF09). Along with a few seniors, we were their morale supporters for the day as excitement and nervousness is filled around the atmosphere within the Band room. As a senior, I do not know how much they have improved over the past months but I believe that they should have been equipped with their best weapons to fight for this battle for that fateful day.

At the Singapore Conference Hall, some were mentally prepared whereas others were nervous. When the performance started, I begin to hold my breath and listened to the music piece as the Band plays the melody. Beautiful in the beginning but after a few bars of the scores, things started to breakdown. One by one, squeaking can be heard from some of the sections. Christina, one of the seniors, was showing how nervous she was as she kept mumbling “Oh No. Oh No…” While for me, I was trying to calm myself down, biting my finger as I anxiously continue to look at the performance. Overall, the first piece was a disastrous piece with a lot of mistakes and many breakdowns created by various instruments. That was the beginning the attainment of Silver is diminishing.

The second piece was much better compared to the first, as there were lesser mistakes but there comes another problem; articulation and dynamics. The flow of the music wasn’t as lively to the one I heard during some of the Band practices I attended. Plus, the feeling was not there at all, especially when the loudness and softness sounds the same after all. Maybe it is the lack of manpower that resulted to such a less emotional-felt performance but I guess, it is about how you enforce yourself to play how strong or how weak the sound should be in every bar of the music. No dynamics equals to ‘dead’ music. That is the second pointer that will skinned our own heads off, putting us down to final verdict in between of a bronze or C.O.P. (Certificate of Participation).

At the end of the day, when the verdict was out, we were announced as the Band who got a C.O.P. for this competition. Many cried but some were feeling fine. I helped to console a few of them but failed many times. Even when we were in the bus, sobs could be heard. I, acting as a senior yet do not know what to do to comfort them, end up distributing water to them, hoping they drink more instead of crying more. How bad could I be right? Well, that was not that bad till one of the juniors was crying so bad that I tried telling her to stop but failed.
Junior: *Crying*

Me: Hey, don’t cry already. We can still try this next year.

Junior: *Still crying, yet nod the head and cry*

Me: Aiyo… No point crying for now. There are still chances for improvement. Relax alright?

Junior: *Again, still crying, yet nod the head and cry*

Me: *ZZzzzz…* Okay, okay… Since stopping you can’t seem to work, continue to cry until you feel better then. =.=”

Junior: *Laugh… and back to crying…*

During the last reflection period in the Band room after we had returned, there were good and bad comments. Mr. Lee (Band Instructor), the good guy, with the ‘you have tried your best’ talk. Mrs. Lee (aka. Ms Pan), the bad gal, with the ‘have you put your best effort in it’ talk and Ms. Maria (another teacher-in-charge) with the ‘where’s your discipline’ talk. While for me, I do the ‘teamwork’ talk to say what my true feelings are and to the real meaning of a Band, instead of one person blaming for him or herself for what mistake that they made during the competition.

At the end of the day, a competition is a competition. They learn to succeed and learn to take failures. It was almost all smiles for everyone, with some bad memories behind but motivation to continue striving hard in order to achieve their next goal next year, and the following year for SYF. Now, that’s a relief for me as a senior, no consoling to be done and no crying scene to handle. Peace at last! Phew! =X

Not to make the members to feel turn off for the next few weeks but seriously, I guess more can be done to improve your play. I estimated that it was nervousness that makes everyone to make the wrong stuff during the performance but nervousness was not a very good excuse. I prefer to believe that it was an overestimation of your own talents that resulted to this. Base on the success of the previous year in the Marching Assessment, many could feel that you have improved. Yes, but this time round, maybe you feel that you are still that good, that is why you have produced a substandard performance at the end of the day. Overestimating yourself will lead to your chances to failure.

However, as what is mentioned by Mr. Lee, it’s all about experience. This time you faced it, next time you can work harder and obtain a better reward for better effort and hard work. Similar to sportsmanship, competition, no matter it’s a good or bad match, at the end of the day it’s a handshake with each other and smile always. The next few days is about learning how to improve and try again the next competition.

Lastly, I guess if everyone feels sad enough, think again, who is the one with a further blow? I guess, its Mr. Lee and the teachers; Mrs. Lee, Ms. Maria and Ms Hawa. They work with you people to ensure that you will attain the best from the Band. I guess, saying anything will be worthless but it’s all about reflecting for their effort for the Band. Think about the good points instead of the bad and that’s the first step of appreciating others. Instead of saying thank you, a sorry will be better for them. Why? That’s because, in Mr. Lee’s opinion, this is the best band he had ever created. You guys are his best students no matter what success you have gained or not.

A ‘sorry’or a ‘thank you’ for the next practice? You decide for yourself.

Just after a good early shower, I'm now feeling much refreshed while typing this entry in my room. You must be thinking what in the hack is wrong with me, not sleeping at this hour. It seems that I just cant sleep at all.

Many things are wondering around my mind last night, inclusive of the smell of the medical oil that my Mum had used it in my room, which made the sleep difficult to take place only after a couple of minutes before I get immuned to the smell. Problems such as the current V.E. situation, my future that lies ahead and not forgeting, the verdict and performance of my Secondary Band; CSSB; during their SYF performance.

Currently, not thinking of the other problems but concentrating on CSSB's goal of winning a Silver for this year, I feel that this year will be the right year for the Band as it has been 3 years consecutive that they won a Bronze for the competition. Seeing their splendid and well-spent effort in last year's Marching Band Assessment and winning a distinction from it makes me feel proud for them. With that spirit, I am confident that we can win something later today.

I will be heading down with the school around 6 plus today and will update my blog with the inside story of how the Bands had performed and what our school had won. Its gonna be a long morning today and I hope that I still can 'tarhan' (bear) with the torture of the lack in sleep.

Sleep can be later, competitions will not be forever. CSSB, you have ONE shot, ONE opportunity! This is your opportunity; your Silver opportunity. Play hard, with your best effort, for what you have been working hard for for the past months, this is the day of the showcase. Nothing matters more than winning something that you long to achieve. Let's make history today as we march towards our initiated glory. Silver, thats our target, our only goal to rewrite the history books in Canberra Secondary for another time.

Cheers people! Good luck!! =]