How much I do REALLY care, concern and love, the same fact still remains. Never there will be a chance I could see her face to face and resolve the conflicts in between us. Think again, what was the conflicts that had happened earlier 3 months back? No idea but there is no problems in my memory.

The basics of a relationship, what are they? You care, you concern, you wish to spend your every single moment with the person you love. Whenever you do something, the person's image, words and smile would be on your mind, and you hope to spend your daily happiness with that someone, to show how much you cherish. I've tried but never will I get to see the problem that has resulted to today's series of events.

She left, and I'm willing to let her be alone. However, her many lies and disguise makes me feel sick every single moment when she appeared in my mind. Sick, not because of her every actions, from her idioms of 'Dont' or her busy schedules that makes one unable to accept. It was the sick critisim that she labelled on one, making it as if he was the biggest mistake of her life.

Saying you need time to cool down, I agreed. You avoided me and mentioned that friends would be the best address that we could have for each other, I accepted. Being friends, which turn out to be another misleading meaning from your own dictionary that involves hiding away from me, as well as doing weird yet 'creative' actions such as hanging up my calls, never respond an SMS or try blocking me from MSN. Friends... I wonder what was in your mind at your time.

At the start of 2009, things had totally changed. No one is at fault, especially when I was busy with school and so did you. Your love for photography created my jealously for the lack of time being spent with you. I tried to put in effort but end up, everything was a negative response. I do agree spending time with friends is one of the best things in life. However, being together was like I was always alone. Not because you are busy but you choose to be with your friends instead with me. Once in fortnight was the day I might meet you. 'Might', which creates a possibililty of a total rejection, which could last for a month to two.

You lied, again and again, to me, seemingly that hope between us was dimishing. The hope was not destroyed mainly because of my sickening aggressive attitude of anger but partly, your own decision to pick your friends and stop seeing me. Strangers and friends have the same opinion that you are drifting, which is a one way route chosen by you. It seemed that after the past months, I probably could guess an answer, maybe not accurate but never will you want to tell me your own side of feelings.

Men gets jealous, so am I. A guy, you should say, thats me, who understands the meaning of lonely all the time and being loved was not found in my personality at all after the honeymoon period of our relationship. In your blog, you mentioned alot of your friends and guess what, they are always the same guys that you mentioned. No fear of your anger anymore but Rene, Alex and Ryan are always the focal points. Its always Rene, Alex, Ryan, Rene, again, Alex next... blah blah blah. Even as a boyfriend for once, it makes me sick. My heart sank too deep, as if still stuck in the ocean where Titanic still stucks in.

I was too good to you, I guess. I was too innocent and not wise to think of the present, yet continuing to have thoughts of the future between us. Efforts are wasted at the end of the day, all thanks to your 'no' replies and 'yes' to the guys you've known. True enough, you thank the guys for their doings that they had sacrifice to you and a moody, grumpy face towards me when I've tried.

Demands of yours, dreams that I wish to fulfill for you... I was just like a balloon in your hand. Desire makes you pump more air into me, to make sure that I float and one day, to make you happy and rise you up to the sky to see a sight of heaven. Tired of the same balloon, you decidede to choose a variety of balloons, in search for more fun. Yet, once you had enough of the same balloon, you just let it go, seeing it fly away slowly, with no regrets or remorse for what the balloon has given to you. If you are angry with the balloon for not giving you what you wish to have, you would wait till the moment and start to use markers, draw on it with funny faces, abusive expressions and crappy words.

Life as a balloon, that was once I had faced. As a balloon, how would I really be able to forget the owner that I once wish to be with for play time, or should I put it as, serving my owner? To me, life without you is similar to what I had been through over the past many months though we were still together.

Its good that people are taking care of you. You have the looks and body, the charm and talent. What's most important is that smile that melts all guys heart and your cute looking face, with your naive yet kiddish character that makes every guy wishing for a girl like you to take care of. You have plenty to choose, from Renesis to Alex or maybe some other guys you met from any part of Singapore? I dont really get bothered.

I was naive too, for being in my world for 20 years. Thanks to you, I've open myself up to the society, and learning to do things with my own point of view. The wild side of me have been evolved gradually and seriously, I'm beginning to enjoy the fun of meeting new people, from guys, to girls, to older women. Not boasting around but I would rather prefer an older woman due to their maturity than kiddo sometimes, especially those kiddos that are hard to please and dont speak the truth, with their feelings and thoughts.

Your skies of disguise is rather annoying. It cause me to believe the past of you, which the many stuff you encounter. Are they the truth or just a hoax to get people's care? I admit that I'm jealous but if making cookies could make your day, I guess it was the sight of other men makes you smile instead. Simply because, if it was me whom I tried to spent time with, you feel that I'm boring and useless.

Boring... Absolutely right... However, I just cant believe in your words anymore. If I'm doing anything to you from now on, you wont be able to stop me. I dont stalk but I just do things as the last piece of trash that I wish to ditch off from my life.

Love? I would prefer an open relationship with BOTH sides get to understand each other's thoughts, as well as having both families approval. Hiding has always been the problem I encounter but I had enough of hiding, waiting and guessing.

** Hiding - to avoid the fact of being together from friends and family
** Waiting - to wait for the right time to release the truth? Yeah.. after 1 year plus, the 2nd year is very difficult to move on, cause its always you making the decision
** Guessing - what do I know from you when you dont say a damn word about what happened. With me being the last person to know what happened, what was I to you? An ant? Maybe worst than that.

Yeah... these 3 words really makes sense. Your pathetic skies of disguise makes me feel like slapping you at your cheek sometimes. I'm totally disgusted.

今天是一个很特别的日子，那就是父亲节！对大多数的人来说，这个节日让大家感谢自己的父亲所做的一切。但是这一天，我感觉不到快乐。不是没时间陪伴爸爸庆祝这节日，只是脑海里有很多事情，让我的心放不下。

我虽然很想陪伴着无名这整天，但我根本做不到。我担心，我害怕，我婆婆妈妈地，不知为何想听到无名的声音却怕刺激无名的心。我想问候无名的心情但害怕又被无名教训。今天的我，实在不像我自己。

我希望，无名今天是过着这一天，快快乐乐的。不管是亲人，爱人，或朋友，能带给无名着欢笑，我就真的心满意足了。而我呢？只能靠感觉去猜无名的想法。每次无名标出自己坚强的容貌，我只能陪着无名一整天，不说多过二十句话。但今天，这些都对彼此不重要了。因为忙嘛。。。

我只希望，你不去想太多，而继续的献出你那优美的微笑。那实其他人都喜欢，也是我个人，期待已久的笑容，能再次在我面前出现。我。。。希望那一天的到来。。。

父亲节快乐，

无名

Lately, I was busy with tons of activities, from SNSC (Spore National Swimming Champsionship) to AYG Diving, then to my work at NYP Gym and Staff Gym. I hardly post but if you did read my post of my trip to Bintan, then the following pictures would describe my post of how much fun we had for that 4 days 3 nights. Here's the entry that I had typed earlier. (http://thuganomics123.blogspot.com/2009/03/sw-educational-trip-to-bintan.html)

Here are the pictures. Enjoy. =]