The title tells it all! 3 weeks of training in Home Team Academy (HTA) and I guess I'm getting better, in terms of fitness! Yes! Although I admit that what I've been through is a total hell, especially since my body just could not take the intensity.

Well, I had soccer yesterday and guess what! Though with sore shins and calfs, I still manage to play the match for a few rounds. That really is a miracle as I often get K-O by the 2nd round of the game. Get to score 3 goals is good enough.

First of all, a dribble and cut to the left before placing a right foot shot that make the ball to hit the top right corner.

2nd goal was a great assist from Roy that I volleyed with a thunderous shot to the top corner of the post, without the ball having any contact to the ground.

Lastly, a quick reflex from me to get the ball and slotted it between the legs of the goalie.

I wonder what is more to be done this coming week. Many are afraid of the training but guess, I'm too excited. Hehe...

Anyway, I had swimming earlier today and my skin is burning right now. Sunburnt!!! ZZzzz....


*** Belief of the week: I will count the passing of each week's training rather than the number of weeks left before POP... Cause as each week passes, it means I'm developing to become a better man.

I had barely 2 hours of sleep and I'm awake. I've been having weird dreams lately. For this week, since I returned back to my camp, she kept appearing in my dreams.

The scene would always repeat. In there, she would be doing her own stuff and when I came towards to her, her cold shoulder that nudged me. This goes on and on until I heard the morning alarm rang at 5am every morning. The dream was so real that imagine, while you are sleeping / dreaming, reliving the moment of her showing her 'cold temperament', you could vividly feel the sharp pain around my chest, as if your heart was a badly battled ship, which sunk very steadily down into the ocean deep.

Not long ago, I manage to force myself awake to snap back to reality. In there, I was hurriedly searching for her, probably an event or something. The main purpose of finding her was to explain things, hoping that she would put bygones as past and both of us shall start afresh. However, every time I found her, she would slip through my fingers and left, with a gloomy facial expression that hurts my heart once more.

I tried to return and find her, continued to chase her but she was quick. Moreover, those people helping out in the function… some really looked like her and I spotted a few that told me they were not ‘her’. I feel so terrible. The words of “everything that you do have resulted to this break-up…” kept echoing my mind.

I only managed to hold her hand once, with force, causing great discomfort to her ‘hands’. She struggled and pushed me and quickly walked off. I tried to pull her over but she was able to resist my strength. It was as if I had used my overall strength to prevent her from running away but I can’t. She will always be able to resist them.

I have no idea could I go back to sleep now. I just hope this dream would stop. Yeah, its all in my mind and I created these dreams but being part of the ‘show’ makes me feel even worst.

All I could say is, no matter how much distractions I’ve made, from work commitments to social life, I just can’t stop myself from thinking of her. She had left a big scar within my heart of love that nothing seemed to be able to replace her. I told myself, dreams will always be dreams. I may still love her. I may still care about her. I may still wish we could start anew. Things would not change in a better way, especially when her life now is so comfortable without me, as I presumed this fact once again.

I may wish to put things aside and be in love with someone else, which I yearned for the past months since she left, yet I can’t do it. It was always her words that caused great difficulties for me to move on.

“Everything that you do have resulted to this break-up…” These words just can’t stop echoing my mind, though friends said that it was a way to make me hate and forget about her. However, she might not really know that these words caused great regrets to my life at the moment.

I tried to like someone but to be honest, without clearing my conscience and never achieve the changes that I supposed to follow to become a better man, I never would dare to express my feelings to anyone.

Simply as that, all I want to say is… I have no right to inflict any hurt to anyone. I have done it to the woman that I really loved once. Now that she’s gone… I just can’t put myself back into pieces. Maybe she's content with her life now, maybe with someone that cares for her, more than me. I can be jealous now but... there's nothing I could do too. What a helpless idot am I...

Some stuff are just very clear from dreams. What is it? That is… I still love her, very much.

Everything is just so fast. Within a few months after my graduation, I’m taking up the next step towards my timeline; National Service. I always wondered how terrible it could be, from the tough trainings and to lifestyle of being a soldier. It sometimes brings chills to many NS guys, which I have no idea why. Is it that terrible?

Well, like it or not, I’m enlisted to the Singapore Police Force. Instead of the 2 years as a National Service programme, I’m taking up 5 years. Like Xing Xuan messaged me, ‘I have signed my life to SPF.’ Sounds cool but erm.. its quite weird to say that. It seemed like I’m stuck in a cell or something.

Feelings? I’m eager to enter the Force and hope I could achieve many things from there. Not just being matured but also to be involved with the many investigations and soon if possible, to be in the CID department. However, these are dreams and I will need to work hard to achieve them. There are still many things that I could not put it behind but I’m just restricting myself from doing it, to keep it away from others and prevent them from getting hurt.

At the moment, I’ve just finished packing. Tomorrow’s gonna be the enlisting day and I’m gonna be bald. Not totally but still, losing quite a lot of hair. I’ll work hard since this is my dream. A childhood dream that was once shared by 3 young boys during Kindergarden, two of them did not made it I guess, but I gonna live the dream, not for them but for myself.

Go for it, Nicholas Teo Wei Teck.



** I will update with more pictures and stuff about the many things that occured before my enlistment. Hehe... Thats all for now. Adios.

The moment that made me felt touch and I was nearly soaked in tears, was not about seeing Dad to be lying in the bed, having fighting for an heart operation that could be risky at any certain point of time. It was not also that he was safe from any dangers from the operation.

It was actually the view of seeing Mum placing Dad’s mouth with the piece of blowing equipment to train his breathing. Such a simple task and I could tear… I don’t know why but for the past 8 years I guess, this is the first time since then that Mum showed her concern to Dad.

I hope time could return back, that I could treat her better than before. However, I can’t. Nevertheless, all I could say about the view I saw from the point of time is that… actually, Mum still love Dad no matter what happens to him. He maybe the family’s bastard, an irresponsible father and husband, yet he is fortunate to have such a wonderful and noble wife.

Mum maybe talking about money all day long but still, she fails to divorce with Dad for 2 things that I know; for us, the kids and lastly, she still cares for Dad. A blissful image that as a kid of theirs for 21 years, I’m touched.

Sometimes, life could be crucial till your close ones could be taken away. I don’t know why this would happen but call it fate or just pure bad luck; I just know that this day would come, sooner or later. Yes, I’m feeling troubled lately but I told myself that I should not act like a kid, who needs to be sympathized by others. I know that it is time to do something not just for myself all the time but this time round, for the family.

It all started with a wonderful birthday celebration of Mum’s birthday, which falls on 22nd July. Well, Mum, still, happy birthday. =] What’s special about that day was the ellipse that falls once in a few thousand or hundred years. Cool isn’t it? The fun, joy and laughter… It was memorable until the next day, when I was still in my sleep when my Sister told me about the old man’s heading to the hospital. I could hear her words but when I heard that, my heart pounded very hard. I could not sleep for the next 2 hours and I woke up.

Heading to the hospital was a dread. I expected that this day will sooner or later occur but could not believe that it could be the day after Mum’s birthday. How Mum felt? I wondered. I reached the hospital, mentioned to the old man with a few words and left for work. From my facial appearance, I’m feeling stress-free yet in my heart, it was with mixed feelings. I hate that damn old man for what he had done to the family. I hate him sitting in the couch, watching the stupid television and do nothing to be a good father for his family, for his children. Burden was what he brings but I still cared, which I guess, it was like a responsibility for me to take care of others.

I made many enquiries from closed friends and those whom had their family members whom I know that had suffered from this issue. I thank many for their generous information, regardless if it is just only about the hospital name or how much the operation cost. I thank you for the help. Especially James, I really appreciate his blessings and prayers to the old man, same goes to Tse Yong. I didn’t know that the company I work for could be so supportive and caring towards the old man and his family.

The operation was conducted within 2 weeks and from what I’ve known, he had 3 arteries being clotted. With the bypass surgery, he was out of danger. The first time when I visited him in the ICA department, I don’t feel like crying. Not even a sob or a tear. However, I was feeling afraid. Afraid of what would happen to the old man’s daughter, who was caught in the middle of all problems during the parent’s quarrel. To soften up the pain, I assured her that I will bear the full responsibility of everything that happens in the family.

Now, he’s recovering and I hope the old man learns his lesson. From this, I learn that growing up does not mean by taking a small step, day by day. It is more of being forced. You are forced to grow up due to certain circumstances and that’s the life challenges that one has to go through as we age.

Once again, thanks for concerns by many but seriously, it’s alright if you are not sure of the matter as I kept everything low profile for the past month and a half. I don’t want people to treat me as if I need to take care of the old man and I could not join them in any activities. I wanted to be treated as normal and not something special due to certain incidents that happened. For those whom had ranted about my enquires and asking for weird questions, I hope you would forgive me for that. However, thanks for the one answer that you’ve given to me. Although it’s not useful to me, I thank you for the communication, for telling me which hospital that your Dad did the treatment.

Thanks and blessed to those whom had help. I achieved nothing but I just want to do something, not for myself but for the family. Love? I think I have no idea what an ideal love is until, I can really love my family.

While making my way to the nearest ATM machine, I accidentally past by this couple, whom seemed to be quarreling over certain issue. I have no idea what was the issue about but the quarrel still continues after I withdraw my cash.

One thing that reminds me at the moment was the many incidents that took placed in my life that leads to my recent failures in relationship. Quarreling does make a couple to understand each other better but it does make both parties to end the relationship. There’s always no rights or wrongs after all.

Well, for once, if I could be the Angel of Love, I really hope to remove the conflict among the couple at that point of them. However, I have no ability to help them. Seeing people falling in love is wonderful. It makes me envy of others, especially lasting relationships. However, when talk about mine, I feel like I’m a nobody; A guy who’s dumb with relationship, who do not know how to care or understand other people’s feelings. Selfish? Ignorant? Blah blah blah…

Well, it’s time for me to grow up and guess what, the next big leap is coming.

There’s always this saying, “这世界没有丑女人, 只有懒惰的女人”. Simply in English, it means that there’s no woman that is considered as ugly, expect being lazy, to groom oneself up. I may not be a woman but this Chinese phrase has echoed in my mind for quite some time, especially to the few incidents that revolted me.

Don’t mind me for stating this but seriously, whenever a woman tries to groom, from their hair, to their dressing, it does change their entire appearance and perception towards others. One example would be Auntie Emily’s rebond (straightened) hair. Though she did that a few months ago, I really want to express this in my post entry that she had looked more beautiful with that hairstyle. It shows a matured side of her, displaying a woman’s elegance and beauty. To me, she’s one of the prettiest and cutest gals I have ever known but with that hairstyle, she looks even better. Too bad, the past is past, no point grunting about how nice or bad it was.

Back to the topic, the real person whom I really wish to imply for this entry is actually… Yi Tian!! Yes! I have no idea but really looked very different! She had rebonded her hair… and… I do like her hairstyle more. Probably it’s her entrance to University that changes her image but to be honest, this new look really suits her. Not just her hair, but also her dressing from plain t-shirts to something more than that has shined her ferminity. Once in a while, teasing her by calling her “美女”, hope is not a disturbance to her but giving her praise her for efforts in these small makeovers.

That’s right from the bottom of my heart. No offence to all but… woman… They are sometimes the most wonderful and noble creatures that sometimes, even man like me, will need to follow and learn from. =]

Time does flies and today, I’m 21 years old. When mentioning the age, people would always put the word, “finally” to describe you, for two things; 1) you are getting older by a year and 2) you are taking your first major step towards adulthood. Well, I guess this call for a celebration since it marks a new chapter of my life.

Initially, many friends and relatives were asking me regarding my plans for the celebration, whether will it be a massive party or a hotel / chalet feast or something. These ideas did come across my mind before but after seeing through some of the problems that might occur during the ‘so-call’ party, I decided to scrap the idea off. Therefore, with much consideration, I preferred to meet my good old buddies and friends in small groups, separate timings to celebrate this wonderful occasion with them, yet it’s more like a bonding / gathering session rather than birthday celebration.

The celebration begins on the eve of my birthday, as I invited some of my secondary school buddies for a seafood buffet lunch at Vienna; Novena. I really appreciate the group; Jack, Eugene, Jonathan, Jia Long, Jimmy and Kian Wee; for turning up for the celebration cum feast and the ‘hongbao’ that you guys had prepared for me, even though I declared every year that I don’t need any gifts for my birthday. Thanks a lot and I do hope you guys did enjoy the feast though the food was quite average. As for those whom were not invited, my bad for that. I had budget constraints so I had to limit the numbers.

Not to forget, this birthday celebration is not only for me but to Jimmy too. I understand you had your 21st birthday a few days earlier than mine and some of us could not make it to celebrate it with you. To be honest, this feast is actually planned not just to celebrate my birthday but also yours. I hope you did enjoy it and happy belated birthday to you, Dude.

The next group I went to meet up with was the V.E. Alum~9!! Alright, it turned out only 2 could make it out of the 8 of them. However, I am still grateful for the wishes that the rest had blessed me with. As for the 2 ladies; Cai Yun and Ping Ding; thank you for offering your time to accompany me. I know that work and other commitments had flooded your schedules but by making time for me, I’m really touched.

It was a simple dinner at Waruku Pasta and a movie (that is what I’m been hoping to do during my birthday) of “Ice Age 3” at the new Illuma that has filled our night with fun. Before we head off for home, a light desert at the nearby Bugis Street was good enough to keep these memories vividly in my mind. Once again, thank you for accompanying me and I do hope you gals did enjoy the meal, movie and outing.

At the actual day of my birthday, I was lazy to go out during the noon till 3 plus, when I need to book the tickets for the movie “Transformers 2” at Ang Mo Kio Hub, which I’ve planned to watch it with my childhood buddy; Yong Hong. It was a thrilling movie but as I had drank too much water and some miscalculation of the time; both of us were urgently looking for the restroom once the movie ends. After that, dinner at a nearby coffee shop with another childhood buddy; Mah Chin Wah; ends my celebration for the day. Simple and sweet! Anyway, brothers, thank you for celebrating my birthday. I don’t need an expensive treat but I’m happy with the coffee shop food, especially the 铁板豆腐. Haha…

However, at the end of the day, my only regret was not to watch a movie with the special person that I long to see. From the start till then end, all I wanted from that person was to catch a simple movie but was rejected, over and over again. Well, at least, I got to watch 2 movies in 2 days. Wow… How much money had I spend on movies…

For the many people whom had texted me their blessings, I really thank all of you and appreciated the efforts in remembering my birthday.