Believe it or not, I cried while working during the last night shift. To reflect on the incident, I am still puzzled why did I tear that night. Probably I’m angry because of the many chunks of paragraphs that I’ve typed that had been deleted due to connection lost, or maybe, I am just angry about myself, for being so dumb and useless.

I wanted to help the person, sitting in front of me, who needs my help to get back what most parents wish to have; their child to be back to their arms. I typed out the stuff that they need and it was like, 8 paragraphs, and indeed a long essay, I just click onto the system which has the “save as draft” button on it. Yes, I trusted the stupid system too much. I have a poor judgment and I always put too much trust on others that I will be the one whom lost out always.

Hence, with one click, everything was gone. Stunned… Why the hack did the system back down on me! Why?! I apologized to the person, whom had waited for nearly 3 hours at the counter. I tried to retype the whole document but end up, I was stopped by my senior and I had to let go of what I’m doing and let my senior to do the rest of the crap. I was frustrated, really angry. I know I will be bursting very soon. I need to find a place to release the ball of fire within me.

I excused myself, entered the toilet, and there goes Nicholas, going berserk. Fist hitting the concrete wall, washing his face repeatedly and when he looked at the mirror, he can only blamed himself for being so stubborn, foolish and stupid. Kicking the wall hard as if I was going to shoot the ball towards the net, it hurts but adrenaline was too much that I felt nothing.

I came out, once again, apologize the person. I felt bad. I know that my previous work could have helped him to win the case, probably not 100% but at least a 60% with all the words that I had put into it. With that retype, I guess chances of winning had got lesser. I continued to do my work. Stress and anger had mixed my emotions at that time that when my senior talked to me, my eyes got watery. I teared.

I had a talk with senior after that. I felt so… so helpless. I have been fighting a solo battle when I’m in the backline. I’m always so lost. I wish to help but damn I just can’t. I know nuts about a lot of things. I wanted to learn but why I’m so slow. I hate it. These factors even questioned me whether to have the ability to carry on with the job, whether I’m fit to be one of them. Senior mentioned that its part and parcel of life and I need to carry on. I agreed and continued my work after that.

I felt, so good after the cry. What people said was really true; “Cry with your hearts out.” I guess I did. It was as if that I’m crying, as well as exercising my lungs. I was crying like a baby, grasping for air as I cried. The feeling was… so relieved, so good. The worries were all thrown behind. This is one of the rare occasions that I would cry like this. The last time I remembered crying like mad, like a kid, as if the whole world had turned on you, was when Te Seng had left the world. When Te Seng left me, or should I put it as left us, the pain was unbearable. The helpless feeling… I cried non-stop for nearly some time.

I guess, it’s time to grow stronger. I will need to tell myself, regardless what obstacles I will go through, I must go on. No tears from now on. That’s what it does to make a person grow stronger, got it?

Learning to be a changed person… Towards work, play, relationships etc. That's life.

I missed alot of things. I missed the fun hanging out with my cliques. I missed the voices of everyone singing and harmonise as one. I missed the great times of staying over in my school campus.

I finally went to V.E. Bonding Camp on Wednesday night, of course, after watching my last 10 minutes of soccer match on the screens near a pub at United Square straight after I finished my work. Anyway, its been awhile since I had so much fun in a camp. The laughters... The games... The smiles... The frowns...

A bonding camp is where I believed that people get to see your true colours and knowing what type of personality you are. That is where friendships are made and rivalry begins but probably, lets hope everyone keeps the sweet side rather than the bad ones with them throughout the camp.

Exhausted from camp and guess what?!! Night shift for work till this morning. Super shagged~!! Yet, its worthwhile after all. I may be old, yeah... too old especially when the rest are around 16 to 17 years??!!?? However, I can say that the camp made me feel young, at least for the next 12 hours after my shift work on Wednesday night. Thanks V.E. =]

I just love this picture even though I'm not in it.

Well, on the other hand... I just dont know why I would be so agitated during the conversation on the phone. The reply was "Orh", "orh" and "orh...". Maybe I really wanted to take care of you but I guess, its probably gonna be hard with all the constant replies of "orh" and...

I dont know... We've drifted. Tell me if I'm wrong to put it in this way; when you make up a decision, when you say you wish to do this or that, once you make up your mind, could you really just put them aside instantly, so easily?

If you can, well, sad but sorry, I cant. This time round, its my fault so no need to feel any guilt. Actually, I wanted to give you a small surprise when you came back. I knew you will wish to play my itouch and I was hoping you to see the note that I've put up for you but too bad, you didnt see it.

Never mind, it doesn't matter. Its not your fault anyway. Again, my fault, no guilt, no sadness. I'm confused. I felt like I'm drowning now though I'm a life saving expert. Zzzz.... Drown me...

When there is money, there will be gamble. When there is gamble, there will be bankrupt. And when there is bankrupt, there will be debts!

I dont know how to help when it comes to money issues. I wish to offer more and I know it will not be returned. However, this is the amount that I can really offer, Pal. Previous lessons made me learnt that when you lend something to others, it means that there will be no return.

In my mind, I never really think of how much could I get back from you. Its all about worrying how are you going to solve this problem. I hope you have learnt your lesson.

Wake up! We can only advise but not helping you every time this happens. We just... dont want to see a pal, going towards the wrong route of life. Simply that, Bro.

Dad came home earlier than usual today. The first thing he asked me after he sat on the sofa was "Son, you know what's the occasion yesterday?"

I kept in silence. Even though I know what was the occasion, I just acted as if I knew nothing at all. Soon, he replied it was Fathers Day. I just replied with a "Orh" and that's it.

I knew he felt hurt after hearing my words but probably I do not have the courage to tell him that. I can never tell him, face to face, that how much I care. Why? That's simply because, I dont know what is the true meaning of fatherly love.

I dont recieve the love and care of what other Dads would do to their child. I dont see the understanding he gave compared to other Dads whom did. I only have a Dad, which I was born to call him "Dad" and what he does contribute to the family is.... nothing. I cant think of anything at the moment that could describe his role in the family. Yeah, probably the previous debts he had made the family fall upon to and his relectuant attitude to solve the problem.

Friends say that no matter what, he is still your Dad. However, in my heart, how much I care for him, I guess that would not really change my point of view towards my own Dad. That is why I told myself from young, not to follow his footsteps; not to gamble, not to owe others money, not to smoke, learn to care my love ones more.

Since I've taken up my job, I have thoughts of the aftermath if such ugly incidents would occur within the family again. I have no idea what would be the solution but if one day, if justice has to be done, I am willing to do the unthinkable against the one I care.

Thanks to the World Cup, this is a firm decision I guess I've made. If things are out of control, I will do the justice for the family.

I am evil but for the sake of this family, for the sake of my family's future, I will do what is supposed to do. If that happens one day, "Sorry, Dad..."

Each time the cold air just breeze past, the ache would be unbearable. There is no answer on how the ache would occur but definitely, there could be a solution to cure it; to see a doctor or to rest more.

I’m suffering from a terrible tummy ache since early this morning at 2 plus. Each time I felt cold, my tummy would have that weird feeling within it. Of course, I had to attend for work but once the pain wasn’t that strong, I’ve got immune towards it.

Let’s hope tomorrow would be better after I have plenty of rest. Just like what I’m feeling at present, cold… maybe getting used to it would solve the problem of feeling the pain.

Its not easy to maintain the present. It was a good conversation last night. Although the mood wasn't a joyful one, at least I recieved the answer to all my present doubts. It was nothing to do about attitudes, characters or time. It was just plainly, the reason behind the lack of communication.

I know myself too well, especially for being too implusive and over sensitive at times. I tend to think alot and once I do, it will be a never ending process. This sucks. Since when will I get to learn not to cultivate the same bad habits.

Overseas internship sounds cool to me. I never tried it before and I wish I could do that one day but sadly, time's up. My study years in Polytechnic is over and it would never be the same again. Sister wish to take up an internship too to Korea but Mum don't allow. I really hope anyone whom gets a chance to travel overseas to study, to take up this opportunity instead.

Benefit for your studies, benefit for your own understanding, what matters most is benefit for the experience. Distance and time would drift bonds apart but technology yet brings us together virtually. However, its a matter of determination and belief that would make things continue, not so smoothly but at least, let it reminds as the same as before.

Maybe my mind isn't functioning that well recently. I must have been working too hard or too much that I realised that I'm having poor time management. Poor time management on my family, friends, gaming, sports and many other stuff. Sadly, I just wish to spend some time with others whom I care and love but hardly it could be done.

Both ends need to meet in order for things to work out. Lately, my mind would wonder off very easily, especially earlier this morning while attending to some stuff, I nearly dozed off inside the car but I told myself to wake up and try to concentrate on other stuff. The feeling... terrible. It sucks when you really want to sleep yet you cant. Anyway, I break my record of not sleeping for 25 hours or so. A torturous process but more to come in the job of mine.

Time changes everything. Once we get busy, it seemed that we are neglecting our love ones. I wish to do something for the ones I love but it seemed difficult, especially when coming in terms with priorities. Others may be busy when you're free. Then, things changed gradually. SMSes becomes a drag. Talks seemed to get bored. The list goes on and on.

Since I've chosen this path, I guess I shall let things be in this way. I'm learning not to be bothered with these issues. Gosh... Who am I? What am I doing? Who I'm really am to others? A tool? Toy? Bystander? Problem solver? Punching bag? Stress reliever? Maid? Robot? Blah..............................................................................................................................................................

Damn... I think I have reflected too much. Probably shagged I guess. This week sucks.

Since the start of the day, nothing seemed to go right.

Looking at the message on my phone made my blood boiled a little. It was just a small issue to me but its the repentitive words that made me vex. Why is there a need to think negative at all times when nothing had tried out. Why admit towards defeat due to your own attitude and rather not trying to work on it? I dont understand. Probably just like what Ian said, they just dont understand how we feel.

Then. at noon, Jasmine 妹妹 called and told me of her grandpa's passing earlier in the morning. She was feeling sad but I cant do anything either. Well, I'm heading to the wake after typing this entry. I hope her family is coping well in this terrible situation where no one wants it to happen in their own family. God bless her Grandpa.

When evening comes, I ended spraining my ankle while playing soccer with CO and gang. Although I scored 4 goals, which includes a half pitch header and a thunderous volley, I still end up injuried. My ankles are giving way I guess, especially my left ankle; the one that I had injuried; it seemed that its not gonna be functioning well any longer.

The feeling throughout the day: Terrible. Think positive I guess. Tomorrow there's training with Team Alpha, definitely running on intervals. Hope I could lead everyone well since its my first ever MASS physical training with a group.

Now, to the funeral... =/ The heartache each and every one of us faced today... unbearable and hurtful... You know what I mean...

"Follow up on your reading... Know your stuff well... One day you'll lead the rest... See what happens when others gave a half standard job... Blah blah blah..." and this goes on and on.

It depends on what perspective one looks into the above mentioned quotes. Either in a good way or a bad one, end of the day, they just want you to do your job well.

Every man for himself. True but how much would you hope things would not difficult you? I guess it's time to focus. Yeah, it's tiring to burn your hours on work but this is part and parcel of life.

Nic's gonna have lots of projects to follo up. From absorbing the basic knowledge towards law, to organising events, and now, to create fitness program. Sounds stress but I shall not give up.

Haix... Busy week coming up. Jia you Nic, and the little 傻瓜...

A mother, knowing that her child is already out of parental control, decides to make the final decision for her kid, to entrust her child’s future to the hands of authority. The authority; the home; was a no return ticket to hopes and dreams. The child’s upbringing; when once decided to be placed into the forbidden island; its either he or she will change for good or for worst.

A simple mistake that could be resolved within the family, yet the mother knows that resolving would not solve the issue due to the severity of the problem. Looking into the fragile lady’s eyes when she said “yes”, I could see that she had think through the matter a lot of times. Yet, the lady’s friend, whom was also a mother, knows the pain of letting your child to enter to a world of no return.

Both mothers broke down. No decision could be made. However, from that moment, it is difficult to understand how painful it could be when seeing your own blood and soul taking the wrong path in their life, being lead astray. I feel the pain for both of them but sadly, I could only enforce what’s right for me to do. I was definitely speechless and helpless but… that could be the only way to help the family to solve the current issue.

Another was a Dad whom hit his child so badly that the child was injured. From my point of view, it was quite serious but to be detailed, it was still alright. When asked about how it happened, it was just a simple argument that resulted to the conflict. No one in the family wish to talk about the matter and it seemed that it was just a common thing happening within the family.

In my mind, I thought of Dad, thought of what would happen to me if he gives me such a whacking. It makes me feel sick when images flown past my mind. It makes me angry when the frustrations could be felt even though the punishment on me was not real. It urged your inner self to establish that symbol of hate towards your family, towards their doings and attitudes. That hate, was so overwhelming that its hard for me to snap back to reality.

Within a day, I see the painful side of a parent, as well as a child. Every family has their own unique issues to settle and even though we hope to help everyone in every household to solve their problem, sometimes, you will feel the helplessness in you. You also feel for the victims of the incident.

The week of hard work taught me a lot of things. Other than dealing with issues, I got to learn some side tracks of mapping out directions and in search of good food around the area. I may be getting fat in the next few months but I hope to maintain my weight. =X

Oh yeah, Nic is sick. Guess he’s having a ulcer at the throat. It’s his first time and its unbearable. What to do but… bear with it until it recovers. Bad weather, bad schedule for the week, bad in taking care of my health… Thus, the solution? Rest… Damn…

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Day 1: Feel very awful until I recieved the email.

Day 2: Feel awful but would smile when reading the new email, thrice.

Day 3: ________________________

Day 4: ________________________

Day5: ________________________

Afterwards: Wish face-to-face communication is the best.... =]

I felt weird when everything seemed to stop so soon. Its always like that when I'm at overseas. It is as if I wanted to continue to stay at that place but sadly, times up and I had to head back to Singapore. That sort of feeling is unbearable.

I read the whole "essay" you have written and I'm touched. A short journey that I have been through, of being loved and in love.

The fortunate feeling of having someone leaning on your shoulder as she falls asleep, having the feel of reuniting as two hands are held together, the taste of sweetness when having a simple tub of ice cream together, the sparkles of love filled the air when the first kiss is planted and last but not least, the unbearable touch of hug when its time to say goodbye.

After tomorrow, you will be in Korea. Soul searching for you and work for me. It may stopped for now but will it continue? I have no idea. I know I'm not the kind of guy that can give happiness to others. I'm not the kind of guy that has money, time or characteristics of an ideal guy. Yet, I felt that I'm getting close to you every single day.

You may not be the best but you are the one that made me smile even when I slept, laugh when I'm mad and feel good every morning whenever I woke up from my sleep. The uniquness you have created in me.

The 19 days... Wow... I have really nothing to say about it. Well, have a safe trip at Korea. Treat it as a vacation to relax. No matter what, I'm there for you. I'll be in Korea too!! I maybe in Singapore but my soul, that is with the anklet that you're wearing, would be there with you always.

Miss you

A desire is established through days, weeks, months, years, and decades of hard work, determination, passion and focus. However, it only takes seconds, minutes or even hours to ruin whatever you have in an instance.

Reflecting for the past few weeks on what I have overall achieved in life, I then realized that it wasn’t that easy to live up a dream of being a protector of lives, bringing justice to wrongdoers, to solve every case to provide answers to others. Since young, that childhood ambition was created through the influence of shows; Jackie Chan, Ultraman and many more; those were the heroic acts that I wish to perform one day.

Fulfilling a dream when it was first marked down by you at an age of 5 wasn’t easy. Many lost their determination, ending up at different paths of what they once wanted to do. I remembered when I was 5, I had another 2 friends from my Kindergarten and we vowed to be a protector of the society one day. Today, I am left alone fighting for justice in this world.

Another factor that probably gave me the inspiration of being what I am for today is the incident that happened to Te Seng. A lasting friendship of nearly 7 years ended in February 2008, when things ended abruptly where no one wants it to happen. So what was the aftermath of everything? Questionings after questionings yet there was no answer to it. What had really happened? Investigations resulted to negative and this saddened us, angered some of us.

To solve all mysteries is part of the game of what I’m doing today. For the next few years, I know this route is neither easy nor difficult. It’s about the effort to learn and the determination to persevere. I may be complained today but what I may have done was the best I could do to solve the problem. Colleagues told me its part and parcel of life but what was I afraid of? Yeah, why afraid when you have done your part?

Last night, I wasn’t in a good mood after all. I thought I could get some comfort once I ended shift, to talk to someone that really cares. I ended up with a text message of “good and bad news”. I felt… weird. There’s no pain or happiness inflicted. Maybe there was a force of denial created within me, or maybe a “不要” signal that is invisible had revolved my mind.

I head home with heavy feelings; the complaint, the problem…; and once I’m home, Dad made this remarkable comment of getting my relatives to stay in our home. I thought of a lot of stuff from there. Mum will go bonkers, arguments around the house, people smoking in our shelter, mahjong sessions every weekends, inaccessibility of private areas… It made me wanted to move house straight.

Talk to Dad in a nice manner and what he did was throwing his temper. I just wanted to tell him off with an “F you Dad” and sayonara to the home I had ever lived. I left home shortly, wandering around the neighbourhood, with no one to talk to, nothing to do. I went to the street soccer court that once Jack and I frequent visited. No soul around. I ended up calling someone, just said what I felt for the whole day.

Everything came crushing down within 24 hours, which started from 4pm onwards. I wanted to run towards a corner to hide, with no worries, problems, fears or anger to face. I couldn’t find that corner. That’s when I went back home at 12 plus in the morning, to take my rest, and continue the agony of facing the pain and problems the next day.

It never ends, aren’t I right?

As each minute passed by, happiness and excitement was fading to bleak hopes, making me feel as if my presence had spoilt the fun. I thought I had finally had some time to spend before distance takes place next week yet I was wrong.

Its either the mind was with the electronic gadget, or at the rest whom were busy with their activities. I seemed to be like a wooden pillar, acting strong in its appearance yet brittle in the inside. A slight punch on the wood would not break the wood but it has already softened its living tissues, causing as much hurt as to sawing it.

Before the wooden pillar was made, it was a tree that wishes to give protection to the many people that had passed by. Whether its rain or shine, its broad and thick branches, covered with its greenly leaves, provide shelter to these people. The tree was not even bothered if someone just sleeps at its corner and rather at other spots. Yet, it was the fact that after having that rest, the tree was axed down shortly. It suddenly loses its strong side. It suddenly loses its ability that it could provide for the rest of the beings.

Think trice and I guess I had got it right. It isn’t gonna be easy right from the start. Moreover, nothing was declared right from the start. It was a rash act of romance that might end tragic some day. Cycling along the empty road that night, while looking at the half moonlight, a lot of things came through my mind but one answer seemed to fits it all.

I was not angry on anyone but myself. Feeling angry for my sensitivity, feeling pathetic for my selfishness, that has grown part into me right from the start. It’s always that I failed to get my facts right and the only answer to these questions were simple. It is:

"The reality is two might become one but it does not mean it wouldn't be two once again. That’s because when it’s not yours, it will always never be yours. And yes, it wasn’t after all."

I've to learn... Yes, I have to...

I had my night shift yesterday and I finished this morning at about 11am. I had lunch and by the time I reached home, it was nearly 3pm. I finally catch some sleep at 4pm and woke up at 8.30pm.

In a while, I will have my dinner followed by a short relaxation time before heading back to sleep in preparing for work tomorrow. Worst of all things, its a morning shift, which means, no rest for me. Gosh~~!!

What else can I do since I'm busy during event dates, which would go on until next week... I really hope my YOG commitment could be approved before I settle on my schedule for both sides. Its not gonna be easy but well, I hope everything is going smoothly by the end of this month.

Exhausted but still gonna strive on, Nic.