Believe it or not, I cried while working during the last night shift. To reflect on the incident, I am still puzzled why did I tear that night. Probably I’m angry because of the many chunks of paragraphs that I’ve typed that had been deleted due to connection lost, or maybe, I am just angry about myself, for being so dumb and useless.

I wanted to help the person, sitting in front of me, who needs my help to get back what most parents wish to have; their child to be back to their arms. I typed out the stuff that they need and it was like, 8 paragraphs, and indeed a long essay, I just click onto the system which has the “save as draft” button on it. Yes, I trusted the stupid system too much. I have a poor judgment and I always put too much trust on others that I will be the one whom lost out always.

Hence, with one click, everything was gone. Stunned… Why the hack did the system back down on me! Why?! I apologized to the person, whom had waited for nearly 3 hours at the counter. I tried to retype the whole document but end up, I was stopped by my senior and I had to let go of what I’m doing and let my senior to do the rest of the crap. I was frustrated, really angry. I know I will be bursting very soon. I need to find a place to release the ball of fire within me.

I excused myself, entered the toilet, and there goes Nicholas, going berserk. Fist hitting the concrete wall, washing his face repeatedly and when he looked at the mirror, he can only blamed himself for being so stubborn, foolish and stupid. Kicking the wall hard as if I was going to shoot the ball towards the net, it hurts but adrenaline was too much that I felt nothing.

I came out, once again, apologize the person. I felt bad. I know that my previous work could have helped him to win the case, probably not 100% but at least a 60% with all the words that I had put into it. With that retype, I guess chances of winning had got lesser. I continued to do my work. Stress and anger had mixed my emotions at that time that when my senior talked to me, my eyes got watery. I teared.

I had a talk with senior after that. I felt so… so helpless. I have been fighting a solo battle when I’m in the backline. I’m always so lost. I wish to help but damn I just can’t. I know nuts about a lot of things. I wanted to learn but why I’m so slow. I hate it. These factors even questioned me whether to have the ability to carry on with the job, whether I’m fit to be one of them. Senior mentioned that its part and parcel of life and I need to carry on. I agreed and continued my work after that.

I felt, so good after the cry. What people said was really true; “Cry with your hearts out.” I guess I did. It was as if that I’m crying, as well as exercising my lungs. I was crying like a baby, grasping for air as I cried. The feeling was… so relieved, so good. The worries were all thrown behind. This is one of the rare occasions that I would cry like this. The last time I remembered crying like mad, like a kid, as if the whole world had turned on you, was when Te Seng had left the world. When Te Seng left me, or should I put it as left us, the pain was unbearable. The helpless feeling… I cried non-stop for nearly some time.

I guess, it’s time to grow stronger. I will need to tell myself, regardless what obstacles I will go through, I must go on. No tears from now on. That’s what it does to make a person grow stronger, got it?

Learning to be a changed person… Towards work, play, relationships etc. That's life.