Not planning to say any stories now Diana. I just gonna type some crap in this blog for today's post. I dont know why I want to do it. Although each thing we do does have a reason and that reason? Well, I dont want to EXPLAIN. After the Mr. Brown Show, which has this podcast that stated, 'Sorry not enough, must explain...' I just kinda hate the explanation part. Probably it didnt work for me now...

My heart... its having these weird feelings... It's like sinking down and I'm feeling very moody. What is this feeling?? I dont really know. After for a week of chatting, I dont know why something was so amiss. Something that really make me think that I'm at the wrong. I should not be thinking of you all the time, which is IMPOSSIBLE. We have a great difference. The GAP between us is so big till I'm speechless. The things you told me make me understand that I'm having the wrong idea right now but it seems that my brain could not tell my heart to stop... thinking of you. What is this??? MAN!! I THINK TOO MUCH??!!!

From our chat on last Saturday, then Sunday, Monday till all the way to Friday, it was like... You are always in my mind. When we promised not to talk to each other on that day, I was feeling strange. Strange in the sense that I... I just want to have your message. I just keep on staring at my phone... Wait... and wait... and wait... Waiting for this thing to happen on my phone. '1 message recieved'... I click 'View' and the message appears to have your name in it. However, it didnt came. I keep telling myself that you might have slept or busy but in the end, you message came around 12 plus, which the day we promised had over. Seeing your message makes me feel happy... very gay(means happy, not that Gay)... Although I was too tired to chat with you, I still manage to chat with you all the way. I really dont wish to put down the phone... That's strange... I mean... my phone bill got to be a total freak out for my Mum once she saw it but it seems that I dont care... I dont know why??

Remember the day when we chat... We talked about alot of issues... Your life, my life, your views on things, as well as mine... Alot of things... Listen to your favourite music... From you being so awake to your sleepy mood... Hours and hours have passed by. However, when I heard the first sob you made on the phone, I was like... 'Oops, did I say the wrong thing??' I really wish to console you but I didnt. However, you make me feel the pain you are facing all this while. A strong(in mentality) gal like you would cry in the phone, and not letting others to see... I realised how hard it has been for you all this long. What I could do is to say 'Dont cry... Smile...' I really did nothing to make you feel better. That night, after the chat, I feel very bad... disappointed. I dont really know why... I wish I was just next by your side, maybe lending you my shoulder to depend on, to cry your hearts out. I did say cry your hearts out but I really... really didnt mean to make you cry... Sorry for that... but it really changes my thoughts about you...

That day when your sister talked to me, I was really shocked. Probably I have nothing to say at all... I dont know. However, it was a nice chat with your sister... Anyway, things start to go bad when I asked you to call someone. I know you hate them but I really wish you would be friends with them again. However, you sound so pissed when I chat with you. I know I should not be talking this but I seriously want this friendship to continue. That friend of yours did ask me, whether who I should side with. The reply that I gave was you. I dont know. My feeling was like not saying the truth. Normally I would say I would try to help both but if I could only help one, I would help you rather than the other. Bad me... but I really feel that I understand your feelings... I supposed...

The last chat we had was on Friday, the day World Cup starts, the day the end of our chat... I really hope not... We chat from 11.40 to 11.50pm. I remembered it very clearly since I was hoping to watch the World Cup opening match. The precious 10 minutes was really... precious. I wish to talk to you, neglecting the opening match but you were watching your show so I dont want to disturb you. I told you that I would watch till 2am and if you are bored, we can chat later, since your show ends at 2 too... I tried not to sleep... I watch the whole match and keep waiting for your message. 2.06am, you replied. I know you are tired but I still dont want to disturb you. You said that you would message me if you cant sleep... I wait... till 4am... I dont know why... Is it because I really want to continue to chat with you or... other reasons??

Yesterday and today, till now, 1.48am... You didnt call me or message me. I was like waiting for your message. In the end, I messaged you yet you are busy... I dont know why I'm having this kind of feeling, making myself torture day and night... just to wait for your call. It really annoyed me when someone messaged me but the person wasnt you... I have many things to say about our chat in this blog... the question you asked... I was in a state of shock at that moment when you said that... I... I was totally speechless... In my heart, I wish I would say my real feelings but my mind, I dont think so I should do that at all.

Still, I will be waiting for your message or your call... Day and night... I just keep on waiting... Probably I missed you alot... your voice... it's echoing in my mind when I closed my eyes. I really cant sleep without a chat with you. I could coax you to sleep, through chatting and singing lullaby to you, but not me... What a stupid person am I??!!! Anyway, I will still keep waiting for your message... Just your message... and if I have another chance to listen your sweet voice again, I will cherish it every second... Just now, I keep looking at my MSN, 'Can anyone tell me wat love is all abt?'... Seriously, I cant tell you.. However, I understand what is the meaning of waiting... Waiting for you to message, call or go online... The unbearable feeling... Loneliness...

Alright, stopping here... my heart is not that hurt anymore... Feeling much better after typing this and listening to some 'good' music... Once I heard 'Wo Ni De Shou', I'm going crazy... Waiting just for your message... Never mind... I will just keep on waiting... So, if you all see me online at 1am and still not sleeping, it means I'm still waiting... for her... Though she wont see my blog, I just hope... she would just... I just hope...

................

My Guardian Angel...
for each night...
Good night...
Sweet dreams...