This is going to be a random post, that’s all. Its not being targeted on anyone but just my thoughts for now. Haha… I’m just waiting for my turn for Winning Eleven so let me just do something to kill time??!! Yeah, let’s begin. =/

Having the phrase “It’s all in the mind…” repeated in my brain for umpteen times, I wondered if I have the ability to strike off all the bad memories completely. As a human, every one will have feelings in them but will have difficulties to express it to others. I always have this problem, expressing to my close ones, even friends. The only method of showing my emotions is through sports, such as striking the ball continuously or swims in the pool like a speedy yet crazy shark in the water. I always wish that I could be a robot, with no emotions to be felt. You wont feel any pain, sadness, anger or happiness, just being plain and act like a dumb to whatever commands that your owner ask. It’s just a matter of time before I’m breaking down due to overwork breakdown.

Always being in the world of my own, sometimes I guess its time to get alive but the fact is, I didn’t have the courage to do so. Just like my attitude towards life, I always tell myself, “No fear!” whenever I do a thing. Whether it’s a simple task like asking people to join something or being as bold like talking big with others, some things won’t change when it comes to important matters. Sometimes, I can’t seem to say the simple things out of my mouth or doing the things I wish that could help others. I ended up pondering by myself whether am I a burden to all these problems? Well, I didn’t care. I still stick with my philosophy of life. I just hope that I could forget everything since I have a poor memory, how I wish I forget these feelings, these problems. Well, time, that’s what I need.

Things happened not I always wish it will be. Is it fate or coincidence? I don’t know which I should classify my problems or happenings at. For instance, its fate to be a friend of yours but it’s a coincidence to receive the same thing that we have in mine on that occasion. Moreover, to know your problems, it seems to be an impossible task for me as I’m not close to you. I am just like a child, wander in wonderland but in reality, a plain stupid guy with no brain and has no empathy. I’m just being naïve with my thoughts and to change, I hope it will happen, someday, somehow, somewhat.

Seeing a person, who you treat him or her closely, cries, makes me feel bad. I always told myself that it’s my failure to make that person smile. As I have mentioned, being naïve is my character. Naïve in the sense that I always wish to settle all problems in every one’s life but its impossible. I’m no ultraman. I’m not a hero, just a commoner like many others, who can’t seem to deal with his problems yet wanted to be nosey with other people’s dilemma. Gosh!! I tell myself all the time, to draw the line between knowing myself and others too much. Yet, I failed to keep my word. I should get slap in the face for asking too much, as well as knowing too much.

I realized the change in me, from my Secondary school years till I reached Poly. Its not only being matured but the change of my character towards certain stuff. From being isolated to opened and back to isolation. From being caring, to being stuck-up and many more habits, I have learn to realized the change in me is absolutely big. The only thing I failed to change is my anger. Anger is the worst thing in me, especially when it comes to serious work. I will blast off like no one’s business and worst come to worst; things around me will start flying all over the place. I lost myself completely, what a failure…

After today’s incident, I realized I was a dumb, who explained everything to someone, with my thoughts in a mess. I was just bullshitting and I’m losing the faith and courage to do certain things. It’s best to put it an end but thanks for my other friends, I persevered. However, I guess, I should let things move on naturally. Maybe music is my only medium, to kill all problems and make me feel better. Composing is like writing my feelings and thoughts on certain things. Well, friends of mine… Thanks for the concern but I think I still can cope with it…

Today’s the 2nd time I see these weary eyes. I know the hurt but it’s alright, I won’t feel it. I won’t say a word as I will keep on smiling, making sure the tears dried up. Saying sorry is always a part of me but saying its okay to umpteen apologies doesn’t seemed to be like me. Losing myself??!! Yeah, probably. I wont understand your grieve and anger but come to think again, if I wasn’t there, this wont happen. If I’m not in this world, everything wont happened. Like S.X. wrote in his blog, I wonder what are my aims for my existence? To be a person to spread love or being loved, or just being a dummy to be a tool to others. I don’t know… Let it be then if its destined for such things to happened in life.

I’m Mr Weird and I don’t know what I am typing for the past hour. As I said, random thoughts at any moment during this period of time. Like it or not, it’s just me, typing trash. Thanks for reading… I feel better now, maybe not. =]


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To hold your hand once is a blessing.
To hold your hand twice is like a dream.
To hold your hand again and again seems to be a froever thing.
To hold your hand forever seems to be the impossible...

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