It’s often hard to bid farewells. Although it’s very easy to say a word, “Goodbye”, the affections that are in us would not put such emotions to a halt. Especially when it comes to the last path towards the journey of life, one probably will have lots of regrets and wishes that you wanted to fulfill in the very last minute while you are still standing. The last words that you wish to say to your loved ones. Maybe the last look to them before you closes your eyes, falling, falling into a deep sleep, a very deep one…

Yesterday was the last time, or I should say the last look at my Ah Ma before sending her off to another world. I know it won’t be so easy rather than just saying goodbye. I managed to rush down just in time after I done my ICA for Customer Service. As I mentioned in my previous post, to console or be consoled? That was the question that makes me pondered while rushing towards the wake.

The priest was saying the last rituals before the gongs were played. Loud and deafening but the heartaches still remains. Once the gongs stopped, there is this strange silence that makes me felt uneasy. Slowly, you start to hear the sobs of your relatives, who were kneeling next to the wooden bed of Ah Ma’s. We were told to gather and walk around the coffin, looking at her the last time. Some said a silent pray, some started to cry. Whereas for me, I just stood next to her and said it softly yet bitterly, “Ah Ma, goodbye…”

Following the path where the van was heading to, I saw the people along the streets looking at us. It is a very weird feeling by then. I remembered in the past, I tend to look at the van that marched past the flats. This time, it’s the strangers along the pathways looking at us. Behind me are the sounds of weeping, which makes my heart hurts more. One of the weeps came from my Auntie, who seemed to be in a terrible state. She could not stop crying no matter how many people tried to calm her down. Right when we board the bus until we reached Mandai, her tears just continue to flow freely, down her pinkish rosy cheeks.

As we gave Ah Ma our last prayer for the day, I was the only one who was standing alone in the 3-man lining-up. My auntie who was crying was behind me, with 2 other aunties trying their best to console her but failed to do so. I wish to help but I don’t know what to do. I ended up putting my hair at hers, not saying a word. Empathy. That is what I have in me and it will always be in me no matter what. I thought I have changed but I didn’t. The main weakness of my entire character is empathy. However, there is nothing I could do to stop the sadness faced by everyone. Whatever has happened cannot be undone.

Standing in a corner, watching as the coffin being pushed into the burning flames was like facing the end of the world situation. You do not have a route to escape but yet to face it. Loud cries were heard around the room and all I could do was watch helplessly at the scene. I told myself to control myself but I failed. Tears tickled down my wearily eyes, like an endless path down my cheeks. As the door closed, the short scene ended and we were brought to an area for refreshments. I was the last to leave, and before I left to room, I said the same words again, “Goodbye Ah Ma…” Goodbye…

I tried to console a relative but ended up, I was again sobbing. A saying in Chinese goes like this, “男子汉大丈夫! 流血不流泪!” I failed to do that. However, every human has a soul, a pure soul and a soft spot. Hence, I can’t totally blame myself just like that. I guess it is time for me to be stronger as each day past by. I may not be the same person like I always be for the next few days but give me some time, and I will be back to normal. =]

Ah Ma was a noble person to my Uncles and Aunties. She was the one who brought her kids up since young, without fatherly love. Their father, who is my Ah Gong, was with my other Ah Ma, who had 4 kids and one of them was my Dad. A mother’s love will not be replaced and to my Uncles and Aunties, their beloved mother is the best parent they had for their 50 years of life. They may hate my Dad’s family members but after today, I hope the past will be rest. Let bygones be bygones. For the new generation, it is time that we have a change, a change in our attitude towards each other and shall not let the past mistakes that our forefathers had made to be done again. 上一代的恩恩怨怨,从今天起就到此结束.

Anyway, Shuai Xun was right with his blog post. You get to see many unknown relatives during a funeral. I met my cousins and I guess we did click quite well together. I guess the future of this family bonding shall last long, with no conflicts among each other or differences. I just wish, even the adults have matured after yesterday’s experience. Every day’s journey is a learning process. Some get matured while some become wiser than the previous day. While for me, I learn to cherish everything I have from now on. Well, I actually do cherish everything I have since the past but just putting more effort to cherish things to its fullest. How I wish to be a baby or kid again, where you will be naïve and won’t be affected with any sadness. You won’t know what is death or sadness. How wonderful… =/

Alright, a new beginning starts the next day. I just need my strawberry milktea to cheer myself u and THAT’S IT!! Hehe… I need my drug to make me happy. That’s all for now.


Ah Ma, Rest in peace…

在最难过的时刻中,能让我被安慰的是听听你那甜蜜的声音.
在最需要被安慰时,能让我感觉温暖是离开你前的那份拥抱.
谢谢你.

- 无名