I had barely 2 hours of sleep and I'm awake. I've been having weird dreams lately. For this week, since I returned back to my camp, she kept appearing in my dreams.

The scene would always repeat. In there, she would be doing her own stuff and when I came towards to her, her cold shoulder that nudged me. This goes on and on until I heard the morning alarm rang at 5am every morning. The dream was so real that imagine, while you are sleeping / dreaming, reliving the moment of her showing her 'cold temperament', you could vividly feel the sharp pain around my chest, as if your heart was a badly battled ship, which sunk very steadily down into the ocean deep.

Not long ago, I manage to force myself awake to snap back to reality. In there, I was hurriedly searching for her, probably an event or something. The main purpose of finding her was to explain things, hoping that she would put bygones as past and both of us shall start afresh. However, every time I found her, she would slip through my fingers and left, with a gloomy facial expression that hurts my heart once more.

I tried to return and find her, continued to chase her but she was quick. Moreover, those people helping out in the function… some really looked like her and I spotted a few that told me they were not ‘her’. I feel so terrible. The words of “everything that you do have resulted to this break-up…” kept echoing my mind.

I only managed to hold her hand once, with force, causing great discomfort to her ‘hands’. She struggled and pushed me and quickly walked off. I tried to pull her over but she was able to resist my strength. It was as if I had used my overall strength to prevent her from running away but I can’t. She will always be able to resist them.

I have no idea could I go back to sleep now. I just hope this dream would stop. Yeah, its all in my mind and I created these dreams but being part of the ‘show’ makes me feel even worst.

All I could say is, no matter how much distractions I’ve made, from work commitments to social life, I just can’t stop myself from thinking of her. She had left a big scar within my heart of love that nothing seemed to be able to replace her. I told myself, dreams will always be dreams. I may still love her. I may still care about her. I may still wish we could start anew. Things would not change in a better way, especially when her life now is so comfortable without me, as I presumed this fact once again.

I may wish to put things aside and be in love with someone else, which I yearned for the past months since she left, yet I can’t do it. It was always her words that caused great difficulties for me to move on.

“Everything that you do have resulted to this break-up…” These words just can’t stop echoing my mind, though friends said that it was a way to make me hate and forget about her. However, she might not really know that these words caused great regrets to my life at the moment.

I tried to like someone but to be honest, without clearing my conscience and never achieve the changes that I supposed to follow to become a better man, I never would dare to express my feelings to anyone.

Simply as that, all I want to say is… I have no right to inflict any hurt to anyone. I have done it to the woman that I really loved once. Now that she’s gone… I just can’t put myself back into pieces. Maybe she's content with her life now, maybe with someone that cares for her, more than me. I can be jealous now but... there's nothing I could do too. What a helpless idot am I...

Some stuff are just very clear from dreams. What is it? That is… I still love her, very much.