Sunday, June 06, 2010 @ 2:29 PM
Crashing Down
A desire is established through days, weeks, months, years, and decades of hard work, determination, passion and focus. However, it only takes seconds, minutes or even hours to ruin whatever you have in an instance.
Reflecting for the past few weeks on what I have overall achieved in life, I then realized that it wasn’t that easy to live up a dream of being a protector of lives, bringing justice to wrongdoers, to solve every case to provide answers to others. Since young, that childhood ambition was created through the influence of shows; Jackie Chan, Ultraman and many more; those were the heroic acts that I wish to perform one day.
Fulfilling a dream when it was first marked down by you at an age of 5 wasn’t easy. Many lost their determination, ending up at different paths of what they once wanted to do. I remembered when I was 5, I had another 2 friends from my Kindergarten and we vowed to be a protector of the society one day. Today, I am left alone fighting for justice in this world.
Another factor that probably gave me the inspiration of being what I am for today is the incident that happened to Te Seng. A lasting friendship of nearly 7 years ended in February 2008, when things ended abruptly where no one wants it to happen. So what was the aftermath of everything? Questionings after questionings yet there was no answer to it. What had really happened? Investigations resulted to negative and this saddened us, angered some of us.
To solve all mysteries is part of the game of what I’m doing today. For the next few years, I know this route is neither easy nor difficult. It’s about the effort to learn and the determination to persevere. I may be complained today but what I may have done was the best I could do to solve the problem. Colleagues told me its part and parcel of life but what was I afraid of? Yeah, why afraid when you have done your part?
Last night, I wasn’t in a good mood after all. I thought I could get some comfort once I ended shift, to talk to someone that really cares. I ended up with a text message of “good and bad news”. I felt… weird. There’s no pain or happiness inflicted. Maybe there was a force of denial created within me, or maybe a “不要” signal that is invisible had revolved my mind.
I head home with heavy feelings; the complaint, the problem…; and once I’m home, Dad made this remarkable comment of getting my relatives to stay in our home. I thought of a lot of stuff from there. Mum will go bonkers, arguments around the house, people smoking in our shelter, mahjong sessions every weekends, inaccessibility of private areas… It made me wanted to move house straight.
Talk to Dad in a nice manner and what he did was throwing his temper. I just wanted to tell him off with an “F you Dad” and sayonara to the home I had ever lived. I left home shortly, wandering around the neighbourhood, with no one to talk to, nothing to do. I went to the street soccer court that once Jack and I frequent visited. No soul around. I ended up calling someone, just said what I felt for the whole day.
Everything came crushing down within 24 hours, which started from 4pm onwards. I wanted to run towards a corner to hide, with no worries, problems, fears or anger to face. I couldn’t find that corner. That’s when I went back home at 12 plus in the morning, to take my rest, and continue the agony of facing the pain and problems the next day.
It never ends, aren’t I right?
