Sometimes, you just have the feeling of hating yourself for the many silly things that you've done in life. That awkward feeling that makes you reflect your mistakes, your past, and makes you realised how stupid it was when you did the past doings.

Earlier of the day, I had my International Marketing test. A simple 30 MCQ questions but I ended up unable to finish the paper on time. I had too many doubts with the answers and right now, the only way of ensuring to get a good grade from the test is to pray, as hard as possible and hope the results are good, when things are not in your favour. Overall reflection about my test - A total crap~!!

Based on my own reflection while I was walking back home, I realised that I had been either dilly dally with my revision or too busy with commitments. Recalling what I had done since last week, I was busy with project till Wednesday; Organisational Behaviour; which was a killer when your brain cells are squeezed out to the brim.

Followed by that was work. Although its in shift, I should have use the time wisely to study instead of taking breaks or short naps whenever I can. I just can't believe how useless and weak I was, even though I had to work every now and then, especially when the big event took place on Thursday.

I have to admit, I am tired. With every energy cell drained due to the mental and physical demands that had challenged me. In addition to my stupid stomachache illness, I had been lying to myself to stay slack and think that things will go via my way. How naive was I?

I just don't think that it is an acceptable excuse that I was busy and had little time to prepare for my test. I only get to start revising on Thursday night and finish writing the NOTES at 1500hrs on Sunday, 3 hours before the test, without memorising all the necessary information. What a planning I had. I just can't believe that I could have planned such a way to study for my test and when I sat for the paper, I knew nuts about the questions and answers. Damn!! That hurts and sucks to the core!

The rest of my classmates stated that the test was tricky and hard but they find it managable, whereas for me, I had to struggle and I had left 2 blanks, in an MCQ test??!! What a total loser I was.

If only... if only I could be more self-motivated and push myself to the limit. Less soccer, less distraction, plan my timing and fight for my work schedule (though some event stuff just can't be missed, which I still hate it so hard that I just feel like calling quits). If only I had stayed home and not going to school early, I could have revised via the MCQs avaliable online, probably. It is no use regretting now but I had missed out my 15% for my attainment of good grades.

Was I being ambitious in search for good grades? I have no idea. I wanted to study as it is part of my plan in life. I wanted to take 2 modules per Trimester in order to get good grades, for a nicer certificate when I graduated and not wasting my own hard-earned money on retaking modules. I wanted to excel in my studies for career advancement and maintain my goal of doing the things I like and cherished. Why did all these rubbish come from, all these nonsense from me?

I sometimes do want to shout it out loud that I hate being distracted. I realised I don't like others to disturb me when I do my revision. I don't wish to spend time with anyone during m study period as I wanted to put in my full concentration. I just WANT TO STUDY!!! I really wanted to find time to do the things I like, spend the time with the people I care but.... it just gets hard to meet the expectations.

End of the day, I am still partly at fault for what had happened lately. I guess a lesson was learnt and I have the remaining 85% to score for my International Marketing. Have I given up myself for that 3.0 GPA that I was hoping for right from the start of my studies? Or should I lower down my expectations as I’m doing the unattainable I just hate myself, seriously, for what I had done. Deserved the crappy feeling for tonight.

P.S. – for those who consoled and cared for me, thanks but I didn’t have the mood to reply. At least I had distressed myself for a short while earlier and I felt better. Appreciated for the motivation.